6 weeks since I saw her

I can hardly believe I wrote those words: "six weeks since I saw her". It was the second week in September, and I had a narrow, very narrow, window of time available to travel to Haiti. I finished my classes for the term on Friday morning and was due back in Salem for minor surgery on Tuesday morning. The travel agent was outstanding and got me in Haiti for a full 48 hours. The following paragraphs are exerpts from the 8 pages I wrote on the plane as I returned on Monday morning from spending the weekend with my wonderful daughter.

"Then......Arnold takes me to meet Roseline. We walk down 10 flights of stairs, past the pool, down another two flights, and through the door of another building. I am instantly mobbed by knee-high boys and girls hugging my legs and grabbing at my hands. It was wonderful! I pry myself away from them and follow Arnold through several rooms until we arrive at a room filled with metal cribs.....and baby girls! I'm searching the faces for hers and someone takes a small girl by the hand and leads her to me saying to her "papa-ou"(French Creole for "your father").

I kneel down and touch her face: she's more beautiful than any picture could have expressed! She looks into my face with the saddest eyes I've ever seen and I say to her "mwen se papa-ou" "ou se petit mwen"("I am your father" "you are my child"). I scoop her into my arms and stand. She buries her face in the left side of my neck and puts both arms around me. I pull her away from me to look at her face and see tears.

(several hours later)
I try and try to get her to smile, but she's so sad! It breaks my heart to think of her being sad. I don't know what do with her. She won't smile, she won't play, she CAN walk.....but won't. I first take her back to my room and put the blue dress that Shelly sent with me on her. She looks wonderful in the dress! I apologize to her that Shelly (Mama) couldn't come. We hang out in the room for a while. All she wants is to be held. I love holding her! We go to lunch and say goodbye to one of the French moms who is takng her son home. It made me cry! I am so happy they get to go home and dream of the same day for us.

In many ways it feels like a dream. I'm holding this beautiful girl and spending every moment with her. I want so much to make her feel safe and loved. I pray for her and sing to her. Finally, I try putting her on her feet and walking hand-in-hand. She cries at first, then she calms down and walks beside me. I can feel her hand gripping mine firmly. I think maybe she's becoming more comfortable.

Day 2
She woke up beautifully! She just looked at me and I picked her up. I took her down to the kitchen, got some coffee, and we waited for the house to wake up I was amazed at how much she loved to cuddle! If I let her, she would be on my hip or lap at all times. Most often she had her head on my chest or shoulder.

(we went to church with all the kids)

On the way back, we stopped for something. Roseline looked at the window, touched it, and then looked at my face and spoke! It was the first time she had made any sound with me except to cry! I didn't understand what she said, but she looked at me like she expected me to get it.

We got back to the orphanage and had a great lunch. She ate well and smiled more. We tried to call home to talk to Shelly. Claudette (Mrs. B) had a lot of trouble with the calling card. While she was working it out, Roseline and I took videos. I got her to laugh for the first time by putting her foot up to her mouth! I have no idea why, but she found that massively funny. It was MAGICAL to hear her happy and see her face light up!

After talking to Shelly, we went down to the nursery to take pictures for other adoptive parents. The older kids like to have their pictures taken, but the babies aren't fans of photography. I loved seeing all the babies and kids! Roseline stayed on my hip. At one point, one of her nannies (who takes care of her every day) took her from me so I could take pictures. She cried and reached back for me! I think she's decided it's good to be my little girl, and this has happened in just over 24 hours! After taking pictures, she and I sat down where the older kids were playing I thought she'd enjoy being with them. The kids crowded around her, and when they tried to touch her special toy (that I'd given her), she pushed them away and "scolded" them. Later, Mrs. B. said she was jealous for her daddy, I'll choose to believe that.

(after dinner)
I held Roseline until she fell asleep, then put her in the crib. She looked so sweet sleeping! I took video of what I believe to be "retractions", then went to sleep myself. I woke up every couple hours. Partly, I was worried about being up at 5:00 to catch my early flight out of Haiti......I also had trouble because I dreaded the morning and the thought of saying goodbye to her.

I feel like this will all seem to have been a dream to my little girl. For two incredible days, she had a daddy with her, devoting all his attention to her and trying desperately to make her happy Now she'll be back as just one of the many who are well-cared for and loved, but without her dad. Will she even remember me when I return? Will she feel like it was a cruel joke to have these two very quick days, and then go back to her previous life?

In the morning, I got myself and my bags ready. Then I bundled her up in her special blanket, gave her her toy, and carried her down the 12 flights of stairs to the nursery. She hugged in to me as usual. In the babies' room I kissed her and gently put her in the crib. She began to wail and reached for me! I couldn't hold back my own flow of tears and had to quickly walk away. I could hear her continuing to cry as I climbed back up the 12 flights of stairs; I could barely see to walk because I too, was weeping. Finally, when I reached my room, the crying had stopped. I couldn't believe I had to leave her! My mind was racing trying to think of when and how Shelly and I both could return to see her again.

I'm back on my final leg of the trip home. I can see Mt. Hood through the plane window, so I know I'm in Oregon. It felt like she became my child while I was there. In fact, she IS my child and I won't rest now until she's home with Shelly, Eli, and me.

Sleep well tonight sweet Roseline! Hear the words of hope Jesus whispers in your ear. I WILL BE BACK FOR YOU!"